So, its 2021, the Trump v Kim Jong Un battle has reached its cataclysmic finale. (Craig – that means the end). And the world has pretty much wiped itself out. Fortunately, in the urban sprawl known as Preston, a group of people were attending a party at the secret bum dungeon of a Mr Chris Daly esq. He lured them there on false pretences of American Football chat and quality times, aiming to lull them into all kinds of unspeakable acts he was unprepared for the worlds impending (Craig – means coming soon) doom.
Despite the apocalypse, Daly’s Bum Dungeon was very secure and protected – normally to stop people hearing the screams. This was a different type of Armageddon. And we head into a new world order, with only a few OOH members left and their goal to re-establish civilisation…
(in no particular order)
Aaron – Head of Treasury
- Using his experience of the mortgage industry, Aaron would be vital to rebuilding the economy. Due to being as trustworthy as Sepp Blatter, needs to be closely checked for fraud and/or national theft.
Alistair – Sound Engineer
- This maybe surprising. “why do we need one of those i hear you say?” Well in this new world order, we can start again. No longer do we need square pegs in round holes. Therefore, this is the job that Alistair would excel in. https://wundergroundmusic.com/sound-engineering-declared-grumpiest-profession-in-the-world/
Andre – Foreign Secretary
- Basically OOH Borat. We need him to go around the new world making friends with the surviving tribes, building relationships and ultimately finding us some women – Tom V in a dress will only placate us so long…
Wayne – Transport Secretary
- Wayne has gotten about. He knows what it takes to have a great transport network. It starts with one road. But soon with his help we will flourish.
Ben Burke – Research Scientist
- I mean who the f**k wants to do this. But someones got to find a cure to help the mutants now inhabiting the earth. “No Ben, Craig’s not one, just looks like that. But hes a good test subject.”
Ben Tomlinson – Head of Education
- We don’t have any kids. But when we do, we know that Ben will look after them with the love and affection we expect.
Big Daly – Head Chef
- We don’t ask him where he gets his ingridients, but we are always in “fat burning mode” with this man on duty. Cooking for some many isn’t easy, but whatever comes out of Big Daly’s special pot you gulp down…with the special sauce of course.
Kadeem – Head of Media and PR
- Its important all citizens are kept well up to date on emerging news. We also need propaganda to keep them positive and try to encourage new members (women) to join us. Feel good stories about the latest funny thing that James pussy (cat) has done and such like.
CB – Head of Trademanship
- We can’t get away with small jobs anymore. We need a sparky. But we also need a builder, plasterer, plumber… and on and on. Luckily, the hardest working man in OOH (and doesnt moan like Half-a-job Hudson) is here with all the skills to pay the bills.
Ritchie – Head of Prison Service
- Once SC has sentenced someone to punitive correction, Ritchie takes over. Doesn’t take any sh*t. Unless you drop him a fiver.
Jerry – Head of Cheerleading
- Follows Rob around telling him how good a job hes doing.
Craig – Estate Agent
- Natural fit for any complete wanker.
Mackie – Head of Central Intelligence
- As a natural liar, we can’t have him our in community. So we send him elsewhere to spy and creating a web of lies to live there, telling us their advancements in technology and the like. But as he lies for a living, we wont trust anything he says. So a bit pointless really. But at least he’s not here.
DJ – Head of Religion
- As he used to be mates with God himself, who better to support those in need with sage advice.
Glyn – Head of IT
- Will be a while until CB gets the electricity back up and running but until then Glyn can take hand written messages and pretend its “email”.
Griff – Sous Chef
- Only he knows what goes into Daly’s pies.
Harry – Fitness Instructor
- Seems to be the job that all stupid people do.
James – Head of Photography
- We need someone to beginning logging our new history. Preferably keeping it on Facebook for us to dig up years later…
Jimmy – Head of Town Planning
- Someones got to make sure there isn’t some kind of land grab once we start growing. He’s got to settle arguments over who has what space.
JR – Head of Military
- Can’t wait to get his hands on our first weapons. But permanently drunk and usually found at Tom Vs.
Midget – Doctor
- Someone is going to have to assess the medical condition of our citizens. And the access to medication will help him deal with the level of moans in the new world. Helping to expedite (Craig – make quicker) “natural” selection by being “selective” with medical prescriptions
Oli – Head of Council Services
- Basically the worst job ever. Drains not working? Call Oli. Bins not been collected? Call Oli. TomV hanging outside your hut a lot? Call Oli. Need a handjob? Call Oli.
Al – Head of Sewerage
- The natural home for any troll. Al’s there to make sure everything is running smoothly “down there”. Be careful though, every 27 years he will try to eat our children.
Paul – Head of Sport
- We need to get sport back asap. We need the entertainment and to take the focus off the burning world all around us. Who better than the man who taught Mourinho everything he knows, interviewed Conte for the Chelsea job and advised Tom Brady on throwing mechanics that Tom mentioned is the only reason he has been so successful.
Prime – Assistant to the Sound Engineer
- The only person grumpier than Alistair. So naturally, hes assistant bitch to him.
Rob – Head of Livestock
- Who else right. Most experienced, doesn’t mind getting his arm 3/4 down a Jerry or a Cows arse. Both valuable skills in the new community.
Rory – Paperboy
- Reports into Kadeem.
SC – Judge
- The final decision on any disputes. Rules with an iron hammer. Ultimate penalty expulsion from the group. Sorry, thats secondary to lifetime working with Mackie.
Tom V – Head of Wh*rehouse
- At first this seems like a great role. But theres no wh*res yet. So just Tom. Doesn’t stop the citizens loving his services. He has long hair so its basically the same from behind.
Vikes – Stand Up Comedian
- Just turns up every now and again for a pop up comedy show where he just says how shit life is now.